I Sleep With a Stun Gun

I’m up, and it’s 12:14 am. This is a shame because I have a long day tomorrow. I open a restaurant at 7:30 am, which means I need to be there at 7 am, which in turn means I need to get up at 5 am, so I can walk Lucas, feed Lucas, feed myself, and take a shower.

I’m not a morning person, so I have to get up early because I do things really slowly in the mornings. I’ve been known to fall asleep while brushing my hair in elementary school at 6:30 am, with brush in hand. I had a record of 57 tardies for fifth grade.

I got a joke medal from my homeroom teacher. This did nothing to ameliorate my tardiness problem.

After I’m done at the restaurant at noon, I have to rush to the mall to buy a new phone. Why? Because mine died tonight. It just died, which is a most unfortunate event because I just heard a big thud in my apartment.

Yes, a very big one, and now I can’t sleep. It sounds like someone bumped hard against a wall, or a window slammed shut. The problem with the latter theory is that all of my windows are shut, which leaves the first theory possible.

So I’m sitting here, with Lucas—who’s also up due to the thud and is on alert watch—with a stun gun. Ready to attack whomever (or whatever) comes out from the other side of the apartment. It’s really too bad my phone died, because I won’t be able to call for help.

There is, however, a third theory, which I’ve always believed in: It could have been me, but in a parallel universe.

You see, this history you’re presently living out is just one of an infinite number of histories being played out simultaneously by the different choices you’ve made in each universe. Perhaps, just perhaps, in a parallel universe, I shut a window, or I bumped against a wall, and whatever separates parallel universes from each other suddenly thinned and made two (or three or more) universes merge together.

In which case, another Pola (or Polas) is/are in my apartment. Should I stun her if I see any Pola?

The answer is yes. Completely. I’m stunning that bitch for depriving me of sleep, since my day tomorrow starts at 5 am and doesn’t end until 11 pm.

You see. My day is just beginning after I’m done at the restaurant tomorrow. Immediately afterwards, I need to buy a phone that works (thanks T-Mobile for nothing) to THEN go teach a 3-hour SAT class in school far away from here. Like almost 2 hours away. So that’s 3 hours of class time plus 4 hours of commute = 7 hours.

And after THAT is over, I’m taking an MCAT physics class for 3 hours.

So I don’t really care whether it’s me who’s doing something in the kitchen at this hour in another universe. She is going to get it, and it won’t be a Care Bear stare, and it definitely won’t be a hug.

And…now we have a thud coming from the study. Fan-fucking-tastic. Apparently, there’s a convention of burglars in my apartment. Or a convention of Polas, which still falls under a convention of burglars as far as I’m concerned.

Question: at which point does sleep deprivation start causing hallucinations? I haven’t slept in 5 days; could it be that I’m imagining all this? At which point, I ask you, at which point, do we start losing our sanity, and do we only become aware of it when it’s too late, i.e., we start thinking there are other copies of ourselves running around our apartment with far better lives because they have made better choices, they have taken the hard road, the good road, the road less traveled?

Kind of depressing, isn’t it? However, I just realized that I can make THIS universe the best possible universe, not for my own sake–that would be too mature of me–but because I like to compete with myself.

I’m pretty close to insanity now, I’m sure of it. But the problem is I feel so incredibly sane. That’s where the problem lies, I think.


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